Screw FTD! Send your Valentine's Greetings With Bionic Cow Pope!
82 years ago, Chicago Mob history was made when seven gangsters died in a mass-murder called “The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre”.
In an interesting cosmic coincidence, I discovered tonight that Amazon.com is reporting that there are only seven copies of my book, How To Eat Fried Furries left in stock.
Let’s massacre them!
My goal is to sell the remaining seven books so that Amazon will reorder from the distributor. If you enjoy my work and want to see me write more Bizarro fiction, I need to hit my publisher’s sales quota. The only way I can meet my sales quota is for Amazon to reorder from the distributor. The only way Amazon will reorder is if we massacre the final seven books in stock.
Okay, that’s what this contest can do for me.
It’s likely that you might ask yourself, “What (besides buying a well-reviewed book) is in it for me?”
Well, I’m giving away prizes to the first three readers who purchase How To Eat Fried Furries from Amazon.com, starting as soon as this blog is published (Sunday night, February 13th around 11:45 p.m. EST). Here’s how it works.
How To Play “The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre”
1. Purchase How To Eat Fried Furries from Amazon.com as soon as possible (note: only purchases made after this blog is posted are eligible, prior purchases are not eligible).
2. When Amazon emails you the receipt for your purchase (the subject line ordinarily reads “Your Amazon Order…”), forward that email to furryfarmers (at) gmail (dot) com. Don’t worry, there is no personal financial information on those receipts, just your address (which Nicole will need to send you some of the prizes, anyway).
3. Nicole Cushing will review forwarded receipts and note the date and time Amazon sent the receipt to you. Nicole Cushing will announce the winners at 12:00 noon EST on Valentine’s Day (2/14/2010). If three books have not sold by then, the contest continues until 11:59 p.m. on 2/14/2010.
4. Three prizes are available.
The first reader to buy a copy of How To Eat Fried Furries during this contest will win the prize of their choice. The second and third readers who buy copies of How To Eat Fried Furries will choose from whatever prizes are left (with the second place reader getting dibs).
Here’s what you have to choose from:
Prize A: The Films of Alejandro Jodorowsky boxed set. Most folks in the Bizarro fiction scene know about Jodorowsky, but in case you don’t, he’s a director known for making some of the weirdest cult movies ever. This is a boxed set of films, still in it’s original wrapper, containing the once-hard-to-find films El Topo, The Holy Mountain, Fando Y Lis, La Cravate, as well as soundtracks to The Holy Mountain and El Topo. This boxed set ordinarily sells for somewhere between $25 and $50, but you can get it free in this contest.
Prize B. A personalized “Video Valentine” to the sweetheart of your choice from none other than Bionic Cow Pope! That’s right. You’ve seen him at BizarroCon, Mo*Con, & The House of Oddities. But you’ve never really seen Bionic Cow Pope until you’ve seen him tell your “special someone” just why you love him/her so much! Bionic Cow Pope can either read a message you write for the occasion, or (if you prefer) he will play Cyrano de Bergerac and pen the message himself. The video will be posted on Youtube, and if Nicole Cushing can figure out how to send you a copy, directly, she’ll do that, too. Every effort will be made to have this prize available to the winner on Valentine’s Day.
Prize C. A signed manuscript of Nicole Cushing’s never-before-published demented, Dr. Seuss-gone-mad poem “Eating Disorders of the Living Dead”.
5. Nicole Cushing will pay the shipping charges to send your prizes out to you, so you won’t have to pay for anything other than the book and any relevant Amazon shipping costs.
6. You must be 18 years of age or older to enter.
Okay, so there’s the contest. Now, let’s go out and massacre those final seven books!
