Where Are The Pope's Hands?
1. The Pope usually doesn’t issue movie reviews, so it was a treat when he spoke out on the occasion of the film’s debut and reminded everyone that, yes, he did conceal several dozen cases of priests creating human centipedes twenty years ago, but that you should forget that now. “Pay no attention to the creep behind the curtain,” the Pontiff was quoted as saying (when caught behind a curtain, pleasuring himself to a bootleg of the film) . “Go hate gay people, instead.”
2. I find it highly disturbing that mere months after the passage of Health Care Reform legislation, Americans already are going abroad for surgery ordered by a physician. From the looks of it, it wasn’t even an elective procedure. It was ordered by a doctor! Shame on you, Mr. President!
3. All jokes aside, I don’t get the point. What’s the doc going to do with the human centipede after he makes it? Show it off on Letterman? Keep it as a pet?
4. Publishers Weekly says there’s a childrens’ version of the tale in the works. THE VERY HUNGRY HUMAN CATERPILLAR. In this one, Ronald McDonald, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy are lost on their way to a convention in Lithuania and run afoul of a wascally proctologist. There are already whispers that this one is gonna be a Newberry Award contender!
5. Making people into a centipede. Meh. That’s easy. I find it far more interesting making centipedes into people. I’ve made one already, and I’m planning to running it for President in 2012. Look out for darkhorse candidate Pete Centi to make at least a little noise in the Republican primaries. He’s already been endorsed by the Pope.
